Rogue Bakery Says…

Guilty Pleasures? THAT TERM SHOULDN’T EXIST

May 3rd, 2012

 

[Seinfeld voice] What’s the deal with guilty pleasures? [/Seinfeld voice]

 

Really, why must there be things that give us pleasure, but cause us guilt? Why do we feel this guilt? This sounds very philosophical, doesn’t it? What’s with all the questions in this blog post???

I don’t know why we feel guilty, but I can probably narrow it down to two things: 1) people are douchebags and 2) people are douchebags. Why? Because they are the ones who tell us that the things we like aren’t things we should like. Where do they get off saying that? I’m sure it has something to do with social acceptance and blah blah blah other stuff. It shouldn’t matter to other people what we like or don’t like! [Well, unless you don't like any of the Rogue Bakery cookies. Then we really need to have a talk. ;) ]

But back to guilty pleasures…we have guilty pleasures when it comes to music, television shows, movies, etc. I also find a lot of people have food guilty pleasures. Or more accurately, foods that people like, that other people think is disgusting, or just wrong. Do you like McDonald’s, but you have friends that look at you like you’ve killed millions of innocent kittens when you admit it? Yeah, we all do. Wait, do we…? I don’t know. I hope I don’t. Then again, I don’t go around saying I like McDonald’s. I do like it, though. “But those burgers are terrible!” Well, yeah, they are, if you compare them to really well-made burgers. But it’s McDonald’s. I don’t view McDonald’s cheeseburgers as the end-all-be-all cheeseburger. I don’t even view a McDonald’s cheeseburger as a hamburger with cheese. In my mind a McDonald’s cheeseburger is, in itself, it’s own food. Like Chicken McNuggets. That’s not chicken. I can’t compare that to any part of  an oven roasted chicken, or even compare it to chicken fingers. They’re McNuggets. I’m not even sure what’s in them. It could be chicken, it could be fillers. Who knows? They’re just delicious. And I’m not just talking about McDonald’s here. I also enjoy Taco Bell. See? There’s another example of what I’m talking about. Taco Bell isn’t Mexican food. It’s just Taco Bell. Sure, you can get an authentic Mexican taco from one of the many taco trucks Columbus has to offer. But that taco is nothing like a Doritos Loco Taco, except that they are both called “tacos”. Read the rest of this entry »

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Hey, look! Some sort of newsletter-thing…?

March 30th, 2012

It’s already the end of March. How did that happen? March and April are those months where I’m always hesitant to believe that it’s Spring already. I mean, technically, it is, but you never know around here. I still think that some freak snow storm is going to come out of nowhere, when we least expect. We would probably least expect it in July, and honestly? That would be pretty damn awesome if we got a snow storm in July.

I don’t know if you looked, but there a few changes on the Rogue Bakery website. The Questions/FAQ page has been updated. For example, you can find out my answer to “Why is Celebrity Apprentice still on TV?” I’m sure it’s keeping you up at night.

Also, on the front page, you’ll see this little sign up thing at the bottom.

 

[Psss…this is just a picture of the sign up. I saw you trying to click in it and type]

 

Yes, you too can be caught up on the latest news and promotions from Rogue Bakery. All you have to do is sign up for the Rogue Bakery Newsletter-thing! Don’t worry, you won’t be hit with spammy messages about buying fake Rolex watches. But what you will get is quality information about cookies, special deals, perhaps a coupon code or two, and much much more! Also, if you sign up, you will get 2 free cookies on your birthday. I am totally not kidding. Even if you don’t live around here, you’ll get cookies, probably in the mail or via courier pigeon. “But what if I’ve never ordered from you before? Will I still get 2 free cookies on my birthday?” YES YOU WILL. “But…why?” BECAUSE I’M CRAZY. Why not? Who doesn’t like a free thing on their birthday? Hell, I sign up for every chain restaurant “club” just to see what kind of free stuff I get. You know, I should sign up for this free cookie thing. It sounds like a good deal…

This week, delivery is on Sunday, and everyone who orders for this week gets a special treat. I’m not telling you what you’re getting, but there will be a fun surprise in each bag that’s delivered. Order by 9pm Saturday night, March 31st, and you’ll be good for cookies on Sunday. You can find the store right here.

The following Sunday is Easter (April 7th), and there will be no delivery on that day. Why? Because it’s Easter…that bunny with those eggs…I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that guy darted out into the road while I was driving and…you know. I know, such a horrible, horrible thought. So yeah, no cookies that weekend. Besides, it’s Easter weekend and the start of Passover. You should be hanging with your family, not waiting by the door for cookies. ;)

 

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I’m disappointed in you, caramel.

February 3rd, 2012

Hi. I don’t know if you’ve ever looked on the “Our Cookies” page of roguebakery.com, but if you haven’t, I’ll wait while you go look right now. No, really. It’s no trouble at all. Just let me know when you’re back.

.

.

.

So, you’ve seen the page. Cool, huh? Anyway, maybe you noticed that at the bottom of the list of cookies is one called the Mascarpone Caramel Walnut.

The Mascarpone Caramel Walnut

Yeah, he’s a strange one. Sometimes he talks in an Italian accent. He was around for a little bit last year, but hasn’t really returned. Why? To re-purpose an automotive blog meme, BECAUSE CARAMEL. He’s fed up with caramel.

I don’t know what the deal is with caramel. She started out all nice and sweet and creamy, and worked great with MCW. But then she got this attitude. I told her, “Hey, you should watch that attitude of yours. You do know what happened to cinnamon and the I’M NOT A SNICKERDOODLE!, right?” I mean, I bet she’s talking to cinnamon; I have no proof of this, but cinnamon and caramel could be friends, and just not telling me. I mean, sometimes she’s great, and sometimes…she just doesn’t cooperate. For instance, one time, she was really sweet and creamy, then the next time, she was kinda dark and chewy. She’s just really inconsistent. And so I told her “Hey, you need to shape up and be consistent. People aren’t going to want you in their cookie if you’re always changing it up.” She got kind of upset, but that happens with confections, you know? I’m sure all of you who have confections know this fact. But you know, I think she understands how she is, and what’s going on, and I think she genuinely wants to try again. Which is pretty much all I can ask of caramel.

 

We’re going to try a trial run this week: every local cookie order this weekend will get a Mascarpone Caramel Walnut 2-pack. Try them out, tell me how you like it by posting on Facebook or Twitter, or emailing [cookies@roguebakery.com]. After I get your feedback, I’ll share it with caramel, and we’ll figure out where we go from there. I think it’s a step in the right direction. Oh, and you can order at the Rogue Bakery online store.

 

Another point of interest: You all know about Columbus Alive’s Best of Columbus 2012 contest, right? If you don’t, it’s your chance to vote for your favorite local businesses, restaurants, bars, food, etc. While Rogue Bakery is not on the ballot for any particular category, I would really appreciate it if you would write in Rogue Bakery for the Dining category you see fit on the ballot. For instance, I do see that #32 under Dining is “Best Local Treat”, and that’s a fine list of bakers there, so if you’d like, write in Rogue Bakery. However, just as I did last year, I am urging you to write in your vote of Rogue Bakery for Dining category #10: Best French Fries. I think you’ll all agree that Rogue Bakery does make the best french fries in Columbus. Sure, maybe you’ve never tasted them because you’re busy eating cookies. Regardless, they are really really good. Write-in vote for Rogue Bakery under Dining #32: Best Local Treat or the more prestigious #10: Best French Fries. Voting ends at noon on March 1st, so you have a whole month to help Rogue Bakery win the Best French Fries category!

 

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The Cake of Mistakes

January 27th, 2012

It was my friend’s birthday yesterday, so I decided to make her a cake, as I stated on Twitter.

 


[I know, exciting.]

Even though I bake cookies, I think I’m a decent cake maker. Except for yesterday, where I was the idiot of cake making. I did so many things wrong, I’m surprised the cake came out as good as it did. Then again, you can’t really go wrong with chocolate cake, right?

So I got my two 8-inch cake pans out, buttered and floured them, as usual. I also like to put a round of parchment at the bottom, just to make sure the cakes come out of the pan nicely. I traced out some circles on parchment and cut them out.

Next, I mixed up the batter. As I always like to do, I mixed the dry ingredients together first, then mixed the wet ingredients. Except for one of the wet ingredients, which I dumped directly into the bowl of dry ingredients, instead of the bowl of wet ingredients. I have no idea why I did that. MISTAKE #1.

At that point, I just decided to mix all the ingredients together. And I did. Then I carefully distributed them between the two pans (without the parchment bottoms, of course). Great. All is fine. Except I didn’t put the parchment rounds in the bottom of the pans. They were sitting on the counter. MISTAKE #2. Also, I didn’t put any vanilla in the recipe. MISTAKE #3.

So, what did I do next? Well, I poured half a teaspoon of vanilla in each pan, and proceeded to try to stir vanilla into the batter…while the batter was in the pans. This is the most ridiculous thing ever. I finally got fed up and just put them in the oven. While it was baking, I made frosting…which went surprisingly well. No mistakes there…yet. And actually no mistakes the rest of the time. Well, besides the “Oh, yeah, this cake isn’t going to come out of the pan”-thing. The bottom layer was basically cut in half across the diameter of the cake, so it was put down in two pieces, because that was the only way the cake was coming out of the pan. The split was covered up by a layer of frosting. The mangled second layer, which miraculously stayed in one piece, was placed on top. The whole thing was frosted rather messily, because I had already lost my patience. And that’s when I remembered: I didn’t put vanilla in the frosting. MISTAKE #4. What was up with me and not putting vanilla in things? It was ridiculous.

After dinner, the cake was served. Not one of my best cakes by far, but no one complained, and everyone loved it. Yay for people who aren’t too picky about the look of their food as long as it tastes good!

the worst cake ever

Look! It’s already half gone! Cut right where the bottom layer broke in half! Haha! Yeah, not my best cake, but it’s edible. :)

Also, I’m a much better cookie baker. I swear, I am.

 

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11 Things I’ve heard in 2011

January 5th, 2012

 

I see a lot of places and hear a lot of things when I travel around Columbus delivering cookies. Since it’s the start of a new year, here are things I’ve heard in the past year. Many of them could probably be put in the FAQ…hmmm. I should update that. Anyway, here you go!

 

11 Things I’ve heard in 2011

 

1. Do you have to sift the dry ingredients?

You don’t *have* to, but why wouldn’t you? I mean, sure, throwing everything into the mixer might combine everything evenly. But wouldn’t it suck if you took a bite of a cookie, and got a big bite of baking soda? Have you ever brushed your teeth with baking soda? It’s kinda gross.

 

2. “Where did you buy these cookies?” or “So…who actually made these cookies?”

For some reason, people think I’m some cookie reseller: I buy some cookies in bulk somewhere, repackage them, then sell them. I mean, sure, I do that with my line of questionable energy bracelets*, but not for cookies. Mainly because the cookies I can buy in bulk from China take too long to get here. JUST KIDDING. I bake all the cookies. I mix all the dough. Hell, when I first started, I mixed all the dough by hand. A tip for mixing lots of dough by hand: get a really big/long spoonula (spoon spatula). The extra leverage you get from the long handle makes mixing easier. I’m sure I don’t have to explain T = r x F to you guys…

 

3. “How much are these cookies…? Damn! These BETTER be really GOOD!”

I’m sorry Rogue Bakery cookies aren’t 10 for $1. I wish they were, but they cost quite more than a dime to make. I mean, would it be cool if you could get them at Chips Ahoy! prices? Yeah, it would be pretty cool, and that would probably involve lots of cool factory automation. I like to watch “How It’s Made”; it’s always eye opening when you see modern food production. There are always lots of robots involved. But yeah, no robots here. *sigh*

I often hear this when selling cookies at a stand/booth at craft fairs and other shows. And to everyone who has said this, I’ve offered them their money back if they didn’t like the cookie. I haven’t had to give anyone their money back yet. But it could be because they don’t want me or anyone else around to know that they’re a douchebag. ;)

This brings up another topic: “The Middle”. What am I referring to? Well, not the television show starring Cleveland-native/OSU alumni Patricia Heaton. I think this post on Facebook by Iron Chef/guy on The Chew/also Cleveland-native Michael Symon explains it well:

“i would never blame location on our failure…we failed the location..& learned some great lessons along the way..we shouldve done more with the party space, stuck to our original menu format, not worried about making everyone happy by dumbing things down & stayed out of what i call the “middle”..the “middle” just doesnt work for us..we cant make prices low enough to compete with the chains & wont lower our labor & food practices enough 2 make a profit..for the way we choose 2 run our company the “middle” is absolute death…”

He was writing that in regard to the recent closing of one of his restaurants in a Cleveland suburb. Everything he says, I kind of agree with. I mean, I think if I really could get cookies down to 10 for $1.00 AND keep the quality the same, I would. But the quality is why I make these. Because *I* wanted a good quality cookie available in Columbus. And I’m completely neurotic. Do you know that I hand chop individual bars of milk chocolate because I don’t like the quality and size of milk chocolate pieces that are available in bulk? It’s ridiculous! Every time I chop those chocolate bars, I think “WHY HASN’T ANYONE MADE THESE INTO PRE-FORMED CHUNKS IN THE SIZE THAT I NEED?!??” Then I cry in the corner. Tears, people. I cry tears, for your Milk Chocolate Chunk cookie. Think about that.

 

4. “Do you make White Chocolate Macadamia??”

No.

 

5. “Why don’t you make White Chocolate Macadamia???”

Because I hate you.

 

6. “No, really. Why?”

I SAID I HATE YOU.

Ha, just kidding. I don’t hate you. But I do get that question a lot. I don’t know what it is. I mean, I used to eat those White Chocolate Macadamia cookies all the time. To me, it’s a “mall cookie”: a cookie that you would get when you were walking aimlessly in the mall with your parents when you were younger. You know, you’re walking along, then someone has the idea “Let’s get cookies from Super American Great Chip Cookie Bonanza!” or whatever the mall cookie purveyor was named at the time. And you’d get these huge cookies that were thin and warm, and not that good, really. But you’d eat it, because hey, it’s a cookie, and I can carry it while I look around Brookstone. I don’t know, maybe I will make White Chocolate Macadamia cookies someday. Maybe I’ll make one better than that. Who knows?

 

7. “Do you make whoopie pies?”

No. Wait…aren’t those cakes? I always considered whoopie pies more cake-like than cookie-like.

 

8. “You should sell cookie ice cream sandwiches.”

Yeah, that would be cool. Get it. Cool? Because it involves ice cream…? I am SO funny. I did sell cookie ice cream sandwiches at one point a couple years ago, but I was selling them at a table on location at a place. I have two problems with the cookie ice cream sandwiches. First off, it’s really hard to eat a cookie ice cream sandwich, because the cookies are thick, the ice cream is thick, and they are both frozen together. You have to unhinge your jaw to eat them, if you can even bite through two frozen cookies. Second, they melt. I sold these in Summer, and let me tell you, they turned into a big ol’ mess. I could probably sell them easily right now, since it’s winter. But do people want to eat ice cream sandwiches in Winter? I mean, I would, but I doubt anyone else would.

 

9. “Do you make cupcakes?”

Nope. But I DID make cupcakes. Once. It was when I was testing out this whole idea of “Would people like delivery of baked goods in Columbus?” I made cupcakes, got on the ol’ Twitter to see if anyone wanted them. No one really did. Or people did, but they weren’t around. And they didn’t want strangers leaving baked goods on their doorstep. I ended up giving them to my friend. They were really nice looking, came in a cute gable box. But yeah, no cupcake-making anymore. But it’s okay, because there are plenty of cupcake people in Columbus.

 

10. “Come on, you don’t make anything else besides cookies?”

Nope. Besides the one time cupcake thing, I did make a cake for my friend/designer Zheng, which he requested because he was giving it to a friend. Here’s a crappy pic!

A cake by Rogue Bakery

At least there are some cookies on top of it, in the shape of the Twitter and Facebook logos. The recipient (Amanda, as you can see from my horribly piped letters) just earned a position as the head of social media at a local company, hence the cake, with logo cookies.

 

11. “I bet you eat a lot of cookies!”

Actually, I don’t. I hardly eat any cookies. I mean, I eat them to taste them, and make sure I didn’t mix up my salt and sugar [Does that actually happen, or is that some weird thing that possibly only happens on TV?], but for the most part, I just make them. You eat them. I’m just not much of a snacker. I’m more of a binge eater. Okay, not really. But I get on these kicks…and eat a lot of one thing. For instance, I am going to have chips and salsa for dinner. Second day in a row. I just can’t get enough. But I’m sure I’ll be sick of it in a day or so.
There you go. 11 things. If you have any questions, or if you would like to type in all caps and yell at me, I’d love to hear from you. OR, why don’t you tell me something I should eat in Columbus? Or where I can get a good cupcake? Or hot chocolate? Yeah, tell me stuff. Email me at info@roguebakery.com. I’m dead serious. I promise I’ll write you back, even if you yell in all caps.

 

 

* I don’t have a line of questionable energy bracelets. I mean, if you guys are really into that, that’s cool. I’m sure they work really well for you…put one on? Why are you pushing on my arm?? No, no, it’s okay, I don’t need to try one on…fine, I’ll put it on…it’s a little tight…okay, stop with the arm pushing already…well, I guess, yeah, you’re right, before I put the bracelet on, my arm moved, and with the bracelet on, it didn’t. I get it. I think…

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